Chapter 1183  : He Regretted as Much as He Despaired

Qin Shu looked up at the man and knew he was jealous, but she had to go. If she did not go, she might never see Chao Yan again.

Why was she so good to him?

Hah! Some friend she was…

When she was young, she tumbled down the mountain and accidentally hit him.

She became friends with him out of pity, not the goodness of her heart.

She felt sorry that he could not see, and that sympathy pushed her into making him happy whenever he seemed down.

That was how their strange friendship began. Over time, Chao Yan grew livelier, stepping out of the pavilion with a smile. Some days, he would speak more, and it always brought her a sense of accomplishment whenever it did.

How could she give up on Chao Yan now?

She met Fu Tingyu’s eyes and said, “Chao Yan is my friend. I can’t ignore matters involving his life and death.”

Fu Tingyu knew she would say that; he had heard her express similar sentiments in the past.

What he really wanted to know was how could she have stolen the hearts of so many men in her youth?!

“… You have many friends. Can you manage them all? Are you sure there’s enough room for me?”

Feng Jiuxiao and Ling’er looked at each other and felt helpless. Neither Fu Tingyu nor Qin Shu was wrong. Family should come before friends and friends before strangers; such was how things should be.

Moreover, the friend Qin Shu wanted to help was another man. As her husband, how could Fu Tingyu not have his concerns?

Out of everyone in the room, Feng Jiuxiao was perhaps the only person who understood what Fu Tingyu was feeling. If Ling’er’s mind were constantly occupied with another man, he would have gone crazy long before Fu Tingyu could.

Although he and Ling’er shared a different sort of relationship now, he still could not stand the thought of other men stealing her attention from him. He and Fu Tingyu were the same in that sense.

As much as they loved their daughter, Feng Jiuxiao and Ling’er knew they should not intercede on her behalf. It would be inappropriate.

The two of them turned around and left in tacit understanding.

Xiao Jiu ran in from outside and happened to run into Ling’er and Feng Jiuxiao. He grabbed their hands and asked, “Grandpa, Grandma, is Mommy awake?”

Ling’er held Xiao Jiu’s hand and ushered him out. As they departed, she said, “Your Mommy just woke up and has something to say to your Daddy. Let’s go for a walk.”

“Oh, is Mommy in a bad mood?” Xiao Jiu came today to take Qin Shu out for a walk.

Ling’er nodded. “Yes, but your Mommy will take care of her matters.”

In the room, only Qin Shu and Fu Tingyu were left.

Fu Tingyu was jealous. If it were not because he could not bear the sight of Qin Shu crying in such pain, he might have been furious.

Qin Shu looked up at the man. He met her gaze but did not say anything. His noble features were twisted in jealousy, clearly depicting his displeasure.

She took a step forward and leaned into Fu Tingyu’s arms, twining her arms around her husband’s slim waist, hoping to appease him.

Fu Tingyu stiffened at the touch. Already, he was feeling better, but the sting of jealousy would not disappear so easily.

How many men did she count as ‘friends’? They were all dragons amongst men, eyeing her covetously as if she were theirs to hoard.

What was he supposed to do?! She already had a husband and a son, yet they continued eyeing her, waiting for an opportunity to whisk her away, to steal her from him.

Fu Tingyu bit back a curse.

Seeing that Qin Shu was not going to take the initiative to speak, he seized the moment for himself and asked, “What will you do when you find him? If he agrees to see you, will you remain by his side all the time?”

He needed to know. Previously, when Jun Li was fatally ill, she ran to his side without considering anyone else.

He had endured.

Now it was Chao Yan. Next time, what if Han Xiao, Hua Wuyan, or Qin Feng fell into similar straights? Would she rush to their sides in a heartbeat?

Would she keep them company too?

“Chao Yan has never known kindness, not the way we have. His family and servants treated him with disdain. No one was willing to be his friend or play with him.”

“His mother died when he was born, and no one ever celebrated his birthday with him. I promised to celebrate it with him, but I never did. He never expected anything from anyone, nor did he wish to expect anything. I-I gave him hope.”

“I-I can’t imagine how long he must have waited for me. One, two, maybe three days…? To go from h-hope to despair… He must have suffered immensely.”

“He’s blind. His family tossed him aside, abandoning him. I-I saw him there, seated in the pavilion each day, eating and resting like clockwork, waiting for death. I could not stand it!”

“He lived in a cold, dark world. He said he wouldn’t live past his eighteenth birthday. I told him he could live for a hundred years and that I would help him, but I never did. I can’t imagine how difficult life must have been for him until I gave him hope.”

“How must he have felt when the only reason he clung to life abandoned him? How hard must it have been for him to force himself to stay alive past his eighteenth birthday? He adopted the codename ‘Chao Yan’ and became the number one assassin in a matter of months, all for me.”

“I promised him that we would establish an organisation together. It was supposed to be a goal, something to motivate and inspire him. I never thought he would take my words seriously, founding the Crimson Sand Organization himself.”

“The reason why he became an assassin was because of me. I spoke at a whim. Had it not been for me, the Crimson Sand Organization would never have existed. Everything would have been different.”

“We lived in separate worlds. Perhaps he would not have lived past his eighteenth birthday had I not barged into his life. I pulled him out of oblivion, only to push him into hell. H-how can I let him walk to his death when everything has been my fault?!”

Qin Shu spewed her heart out, her words a deluge reflecting her disjointed thoughts. Her tone became heavier, filled with self-blame and guilt.

She met Fu Tingyu’s steely gaze with her red and swollen eyes. “I barged into his world and messed up. It is my greatest regret. If I hadn’t stuck my nose where it didn’t belong, he might have died, but at least he would have been much better off than he is now.”

Qin Shu curled into Fu Tingyu’s arms, desperately seeking warmth and comfort from her pain. He was her safe harbour, her piece of driftwood preventing her from sinking into the depths.

Chao Yan’s despair was her own, making her heart bleed with guilt.

It reminded her of something that occurred in her youth. Back then, she thought she was smart, helping her mother out. Instead, she only worsened things.

She wanted to help her master but ended up giving him a headache.

They spoiled her rotten, letting her do as she wished, always assuring her that she was a great help.

In her pampered arrogance, she tried to do the same for Chao Yan, and in doing so, she caused more harm than good.

She may have brought a smile to his lips, but that was trivial compared to the pain she caused.

Fu Tingyu was stunned. He did not know Chao Yan, nor did he know of his youth. He grew up with a golden spoon in his mouth. The stars raised him, and everyone spoiled him.

From a bystander’s perspective, Chao Yan’s experience was undoubtedly tragic.

He should have been pampered and loved by his family but was pushed into obscurity instead. How miserable must he have been to wish for death?

From the moment he was poisoned, he had worked hard to live for the sake of the girl who accompanied him.

If it were not for her, life would have had no meaning.

However, Chao Yan’s pain could not compare to his wife’s.

She may have given him hope and pushed him to despair, but the pain he had caused her was a hundred times worse in Fu Tingyu’s eyes.

Chao Yan’s irresponsible actions had left her in this state, so guilt-stricken that she blamed everything on herself to the extent that she could no longer control her emotions. Fu Tingyu regarded his wife seriously, his arms tightening around her.

Jealousy took a back seat, and only sorrow remained. Chao Yan was the cause of Qin Shu’s immense guilt and self-hate.

“Babe, don’t cry. If you want to find him, I’ll go with you.”

Fu Tingyu comforted the inconsolable Qin Shu.

After a long time, Qin Shu gradually calmed down under Fu Tingyu’s efforts.

She hugged her husband as if her life depended on it. Her voice was hoarse from all the crying. “Baby Yu, I’m sorry.”

She knew she should not pay so much attention to other men as a married woman, but she could not help it. Neither was wrong, so it left them unsure how to proceed.

Friends who would live and die for each other were a dying breed.

And some debts can not be repaid even if one tries.

“We’re husband and wife. What’s there to be sorry about? I know you don’t have those kinds of feelings for him. I just lost my temper. I promise I won’t act on my jealousy so quickly in the future.”

Fu Tingyu’s poor mental fortitude was not a secret.

It was obvious he had been acting out of jealousy.

Where self-control and jealousy were equally matched, the latter often prevailed.

Fu Tingyu felt a little guilty. He knew Qin Shu blamed herself for Chao Yan’s tragedy, yet he still lost his temper and took it out on her.

Qin Shu wrestled control back from her emotions. There was no use crying, and no words needed to be said. Finding Chao Yan was her top priority.

Just as the two of them were about to pack their luggage and make another trip to the grassland, Qin Shu received a text message.

[ Yin Shi: Master has been found. Do not disturb him. ]

Her worry evaporated as soon as she read the message.

A sigh escaped her lips. They had found him.

“Baby Yu, Chao Yan has been found,” she happily called out to Fu Tingyu.

But when she read the addendum attached, her smile faded.

Do not disturb him.

Fu Tingyu heard her and quickly arrived by her side, his eyes scanning the message’s contents.

He also let out a sigh of relief when he read that they had found him. When he saw the instructions penned at the end, he turned to Qin Shu and asked, “Do you still plan to go?”

Qin Shu regarded her husband quietly, deciding that she would call Yin Shi.

When the call connected, she asked anxiously, “How is Chao Yan?”

Yin Shi’s reply was clipped and cold. “It has nothing to do with Miss Qin.”

Qin Shu did not take Yin Shi’s brusk words to heart. “I want to speak to him. Tell him I remember our past.”

“Miss Qin, my master has decided he will forget about you. Why do you still wish to bother him? Have you not hurt him enough? Are you looking to rub salt into the wound? Unless Miss Qin is willing to marry my master, there’s no use in you calling anymore.”

Yin Shi hung up the phone after he finished speaking.

Qin Shu was stunned for a while before she tried calling again. Unfortunately, Yin Shi had blacklisted her.

Moreover, she was still blacklisted on Chao Yan’s number.

Maybe Yin Shi was right. She really should not bother Chao Yan.

Marrying Chao Yan was out of the question.

Even if she were not married, she would not marry him to make up for her mistake. It would only exacerbate the injury.

Qin Shu was silent for a long time. Fu Tingyu stood at the side. He did not rush her and waited patiently for her to decide.

After a while, Qin Shu seemed to have made a decision. She looked up at him and smiled. “I won’t go to him. As long as he lives well, I’ll be happy.”

Fu Tingyu pulled her into his arms. He knew that she was not feeling well at the moment, so he replied, “Okay, I’ll listen to you.”

…

…

[ Chao Yan’s monologue ]

Over the days I spent with my baby, I realised that I was becoming more and more dependent on her. I was like a fish out of water without her, a plant yearning for the sun.

I feared she would one day disappear, leaving me bereft of her company. When that time came, would I still be the same person? I watched the sun rise in the east and set in the west, each day passing swiftly with her by my side.

Her smile, her bell-like laughter, they were mesmerising.

I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to spirit her away to a place where no one but me could enjoy her company. I wanted her all to myself.

We would talk about silly things, laugh, smile, and delight in each other’s attention.

But every time my mind wandered into those treacherous glades, an innocent smile from her was all it took to dispel those dark fantasies.

The day she disappeared was one of the darkest days of my life. If only I had listened to the voice whispering in my ear, to take her away and hide her from those unworthy. If only…

I was scared.

I could not take her freedom from her. I could not make her like me, clipping her wings and caging her in my cold, friendless world.

I grew jealous. I learned newfound hate for those who would turn attention from me.

Yet, more than anything, I was afraid.

Would she hate me? Would she stop keeping me company?

I did not want her to hate me, so I changed who I was.

I tried becoming the sort of person she liked.

I hid all the ugly parts of myself behind a mask crafted in her vision of beauty.

Even then, a voice hissed in the darkest recesses of my heart, egging me on, whispering honeyed words to follow my instincts. “Take her away,” it said, “Let no one have her. Only then will she be yours and yours alone.”

Another voice, the voice that was everything she adored, said, “She likes this side of you. Don’t do anything she’ll hate.”

In the end, I lived as neither a human nor a ghost, but some abomination in between, which garnered universal disgust…

…

…

Qin Shu and her family stayed in Feng Yi for another three days. After three days, the family prepared to return to Jiangcheng.

Feng Jiuxiao could not bear to part with Ling’er, but he could not persuade her to stay.

At the airport, he held Ling’er in his arms, unwilling to let go despite the numerous stares they were attracting. Feng Jiuxiao whispered into her ear: “When I have time, I will go see you and the baby. I didn’t fulfil my responsibilities as a father or husband when you were pregnant with Xiao Bao… this time will be different. I’ll be there for our child.”

Ling’er heaved an inward sigh. “You have many things to attend to. If you have the time, come. You don’t need to push punish yourself for what’s passed.”

Feng Jiuxiao asked: “Do you not welcome me?”

“If I don’t let you come, would you listen?” Ling’er retorted.

“I will visit you and the baby once I free up my schedule.” While Ling’er was not paying attention, he planted a kiss on her forehead.

Ling’er subconsciously tried pushing him away, but Feng Jiuxiao would not let her. He hugged her tightly, cupping her chin in his hands, making it impossible for her to escape.

Qin Shu watched her parents kiss goodbye. She never thought her father, who was as cold and aloof as an immortal, would have a side like this to him after becoming a husband and father.

Men were all the same at the end of the day.

–

After returning to Jiangcheng…

Ling’er did not want to live in Bright Garden. She bought a small villa and lived alone. Female servants would take care of her, so she did not have to worry about her daily needs.

Xiao Jiu and Nan Nan went to school as usual.

Fu Tingyan’s game company opened on the same day. They had spent the last month publicising the company’s launch. As Fu Tingyu’s younger brother, even if he did not advertise his new company, he still gained much attention from the public and the various media outlets.

Fu Tingyu and Qin Shu would cut the ribbon symbolising the company’s opening.

Jiang Yu brought Ye Xue along to participate in the celebrations. They had been living together for more than a month, with hardly any quarrels despite the shortcomings on either part. Instead, they were joined at the hip.

Fu Tingyan was happy for his brother but did he have to show off in front of him? He was still single!