Chapter 158   - 35

Heaven was washing the dirt off her body with no help. She wanted to be alone, to sort out her thoughts and feelings. She would leave both Zamiel and Zarin to think for themselves. There was no need to worry about them. They were grown up men and she had other things to take care of. Tomorrow she would solely focus on her mission to become a ruler. She would not let these men distract her.

When she was done cleaning herself she got dressed and then went to sit in front of the mirror to brush her hair. Suddenly cold air hit her back. Heaven wondered who came to visit.

Turning back, she found the person she least expected to be in her room. Her grandfather.

"Grandpa?"

"Heaven." He smiled, opening her arms for her.

Heaven run into his arms as if she was still a child. She was so happy to see him after such a long time.

Takin a few steps back, she looked at him. "Where were you? Why did you not come?"

"I wanted to. But your father and Irene… nevermind. I am happy to see you now." He said.

"What did my father and grandma do?" Heaven asked.

"They don't want me to meet you and they said that you don't want to meet me either."

Heaven shook her head. "That is not true. I always wanted you to come back to us."

Her grandmother had told her about her grandfather's plans, but Heaven wanted to give him a chance or it wouldn't be fair.

"I am glad to hear that. I missed you a lot." He said.

"Me too." Heaven smiled.

Heaven looked forward to speaking to her grandfather after such a long time. Both went to sit in her small garden outside her room.

"So you want to become a ruler?" He asked.

"Yes."

"How is it going?"

"Good, so far." Heaven nodded.

"It's going to be a difficult road."

"I know." Heaven said.

"But I am sure you will succeed." He assured her.

"How can you be so sure?" She asked.

"It's just a feeling. Your grandmother must have already told you that I wanted you to help me rule. To be my successor. That is because I saw those qualities in you. The qualities of a great ruler."

"I don't want to be you successor. I want to be a ruler here." Heaven wanted to make that clear. She loved her grandfather, but not his decisions.

"I know and I honor your choice. I still want you to know that my offer is still open. But if you to continue on this path I wish you success."

He seemed sincere, and it made her confused. Was he really supporting her decision?

"And if you need any help or advice, I want you to know I am here despite what you father or Irene says." He added.

"Thank you."

"I should go. I don't want you to get in trouble because of me." He said.

He promised to visit her again before disappearing.

Heaven became thoughtful. Would her grandfather really honor her choice? Then who would become his successor? He would not just give that up easily.

Leaving it behind, Heaven decided to go to sleep. When the morning came, she reminded herself that she would only focus on her mission and nothing else, but then Zarin came to see her. At least today she hoped for no fight, and she was glad to know that Zarin wanted the same.

"Heaven. I want to apologize. But this time it's different. I am really here to listen and support you." He said.

Heaven was relieved to hear that.

"I accept you apology." She smiled.

Zarin tried his best to show her he was supportive of her. He followed her everywhere and helped her with everything. It was almost too much but Heaven didn't want to hurt his feelings so she said nothing. Besides, she was just happy to have her friend back.

When it was time for lunch Gina joined them and all three ate together while chatting happily like old times. Heaven was happy that things were falling into place. She felt like she was making progress in her learning, and now she had everyone's support. She couldn't ask for more.

After lunch she decided to go back to work.

"Shouldn't you rest a little?" Zarin asked, concerned.

Heaven shook her head. "I am not tired, but you have been helping me the entire day. Maybe you should rest. I can take care of the rest myself."

"I'll come with you." He insisted.

Heaven allowed him to follow her. She knew he would get bored eventually because now she was going to meet her tutor, who would teach her about economic affairs. At first Zarin tried to listen and seem interested, but slowly he gave up and sat in a chair far out in the corner. After a while he even fell asleep. Heaven wanted to laugh but contained herself.

"How can you endure this?" He asked when her lesson ended and her tutor left. "That old man gave me a headache."

"Me too." Heaven agreed, but it wasn't the old man who gave her a headache. It was what he tried to teach her.

No more learning today, she thought. She deserved to relax the rest of the evening. She just wanted to wear comfortable clothes, drink her grandmother's delicious tea and rest in her bed. But she had to get rid of Zarin first, who was stuck by her side.

"Thank you for your help today. I won't be doing anything else. I'll just rest." She told him.

She hoped he would understand that she wanted to be alone, but no. He didn't. When he was about to insist Heaven gave him a hard glare. He had to understand at some point.

"Alright." He said pretending to be scared. "Good night."

She smiled at him. "Good night."

Heaven had never been so happy to arrive to her room. She looked at her bed with such longing. She was exhausted.

Her handmaiden Kate helped her take a bath and change into her nightgown. She offered to comb her hair, but Heaven wanted to do it herself. After she was left alone in her room Heaven brushed her wet hair in front of the mirror. For some odd reason, her gaze fell on her neck, where the mark had been. Her thoughts drifted to Zamiel.

How was he?

Was he still suffering?

As if he could read her thoughts she felt his presence in the room. She turned around slowly and there he stood. She had hoped to see him in a better condition after what she said to him, but no. It looked like he suffered even more.

"Zamiel." She stood up from her seat.

His silver eyes gazed into hers. She had never seen such sadness in someone's eyes.

"Heaven, I won't disturb…"

"You are not disturbing." She cut off.

He nodded before looking down, but Heaven had already caught sight of the guilt in his eyes.

Something wasn't right.

"I have thought of what you said. That I am the one making myself suffer. You are right, but I can't stop it." He began.

Heaven took a few steps toward him slowly, as if afraid he would run away. She nodded for him to continue.

"I don't want to suffer anymore." He continued looking up at her again. "You saved me once, can you save me again?"

"If you let me, I would save you without counting." She was so happy that he was willing to be saved, but then she realized something.

He had his hands behind his back and it felt like he was hiding something.

"Only you can end my suffering. Only you can save me." He said and then slowly pulled a dagger from behind his back, holding it out for her.

Heaven's heart skipped, her stomach turned.

"And only you can hurt me." He added.

She shook her head, taking a step back. He could not be asking what she thought he was asking.

"No, Zamiel." She kept shaking her head as tears filled her eyes.

"Only you can do it." He said, almost pleadingly.

"But I don't want to." The words came out as a whisper.

"Why? I have caused you nothing but pain and suffering. You are probably anxious because of me everyday. I'll bring nothing good to you, myself, or to anyone else in this world. I'll just hurt more people."

A tear fell down her cheek. "You have not caused me any pain or suffering. You made me look forward to everyday, you made me find a purpose. But if you... if you…" She choked back her tears. "If you ask me to do this, then I will truly suffer."

"I see no other way out Heaven. I am too far gone to be saved in any other way. I just want to find peace." She could see that he was desperate.

How much pain was he in to want to end his life? Why could he not give her a chance?

"Give me a chance." She pleaded.

He shook his head. Now she could see the tears in his eyes. "You deserve a better chance than this." He said, speaking of himself.

Now she was crying rivers. She could not hold the tears back anymore.

Heaven could see that he had made up his mind and it would not be easy to make him change his decisions. But she wanted to try anyway.

"Alright." She said wiping some of her tears aways. She walked closer to him, only standing a few inches away. She looked up and into his eyes. "Can I at least kiss you goodbye?"

He looked at her for a moment. Heaven thought he would probably deny her, but just then he leaned down and pressed his cold lips against hers. Heaven closed her eyes.

She had imagined many times how her first kiss would feel, and it was nothing like this. He was kissing her goodbye.

No!

That was not what she wanted. She wanted him to long for her, to give up his plans and be with her. She wanted him to kiss her with passion and not say goodbye.

Unwilling to give up, she tiptoed and wrapped her arms around him to deepen the kiss, but then suddenly images flooded her brain.

Blood.

Dead bodies.

Zamiel holding a little girl's lifeless body in his arms while he cried.

Pain.

Darkness.

Dark walls surrounded her, locking her in a very small place. She could barely move, barely breath. She choked.

A sorrow like no other filled her soul. Her heart pounded in pain, pumping anger through her veins. Everyday felt like a thousand years in darkness. She was alone and lonely. She was desperate.

Disturbed by the images and her feelings, she shot her eyes open and pulled away.

What happened?

Those images were not her memory, and those feeling were not her own. They were Zamiel's.

She just saw and felt what he went through. Her heart felt like a heavy stone inside her, weighing on her lungs and making her unable to breathe.

Were those the memories he lived with? Were these the feelings he had to bear everyday?

Heaven looked at him. A tear fell down his cheek as he held the dagger out for her.

Her kiss had no effect.

"Is this really what you want?" Heaven asked.

"Yes."

"Even if I say it will make me suffer?"

"You will forget me soon." He said.

If he only knew. She would never forget him.

Slowly and with shaking hands, she picked up the dagger.

If this would make his suffering end, if this would truly make him find peace and reunite with his family then she could do it for him. Even if it meant that she would suffer.

If this was all she could do for him, then she would. She felt sorry she couldn't do anything else. She felt sorry that someone like him had to suffer to this extent. But now she would send him away. To a better place where no one could hurt him.

Her hands shook. She knew if she stabbed him in the spine it would be different. Maybe there was a reason to why he couldn't heal when she was the one to inflict the pain.

"I want to apologize for everything I did. I hope I can get your forgiveness before you send me away."

Heaven nodded fighting the tears again. "I forgive you."

She looked at the dagger, then at him. She hoped for a sign in his eyes, something to tell her he didn't want to die. But to her disappointment, she found none.

Slowly she went behind him. She pulled the dagger from the sheath with her heart pounding in her ears.

Her hands were still shaking, but she tightened her hold around the dagger, deciding to think straight. Either he would let her stab him and find peace or he would decide to not make her suffer. It was his choice.

Zamiel stood still while she stared at his back. He waited patiently. Maybe he didn't care for her like she thought. Letting him go would be the right thing to do.

She pulled the hand holding the dagger back, her eyes fixated on where she wanted to stab him. "I might not find peace after this, but I hope you do." She said then taking a deep breath she stabbed.